eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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