I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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