She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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