Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
