All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
