went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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