I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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