my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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