it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
its not stalking. its research.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
