if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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