I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
