I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
