I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
