U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
wrigley field is MILF paradise
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
