Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
