Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The power of my boobs compel you
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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