here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize