WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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