I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
