everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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