You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
