She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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