3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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