I'm so fucking centered right now
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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