It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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