My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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