eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
