I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
