nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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