I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
