I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Don't tell me you're on acid again
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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