so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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