You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
