Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
