I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
