your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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