is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We need a shit load of segways right now
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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