make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
