just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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