Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Need sex. Gaining weight.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
