Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
