Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
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