So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
