So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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