Just fell off a train. Bad.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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