Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
MIDGETS
????
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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