Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize