How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
