I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
