I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
