yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
