How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
