How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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