You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
