First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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