Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
