Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
