I puked a lego.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
