i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
