I'm gonna have a badass scar
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
