I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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