Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
