I think I died a long time ago.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
