I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
