Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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